Questions to Ask Yourself … Regularly
Someone once observed that we learn more by the questions we ask than by the answers we give. I find that asking questions of myself helps keep me on track. Here are a few we should consider asking regularly.
What am I resisting?
The seeds of growth lie in our resistance to what is new, unfamiliar, or unpleasant. All too often, the very things we resist most are the things that force us to grow the most. So, be attentive to those subtle gut-tightening signals that hint of an opportunity for learning.
What is the lesson here?
There’s a second step that is needed to reinforce the insight gained by asking the first question. In order to really benefit, we have to actually seek out the lesson, demonstrate that we really want to hear, and be willing to follow the often-subtle guidance that comes.
Have I been here before?
Often our most pressing issues are thinly disguised versions of problems we’ve failed to solve in the past (ouch!). Different names and faces maybe, but the same underneath, destined not to go away until we meet and resolve them once and for all. If our answer to this question is, yes, then maybe it’s time to get to the bottom of the issue and solve it!
Am I losing energy to this?
We pay a price for every negative thought we entertain. Although you may believe otherwise, we have to reach the place where things like fear, gossip, anger, frustration, worry, and criticism have no place in our lives. Until we do, we are losing energy, diluting our focus, and rendering ourselves vulnerable.
Am I holding on to something I need to let go of?
One of the most difficult tasks of this life consists in letting go-of our attachments, of ego, of our need to be right, and ultimately, of our life. We cannot soar unless we are willing to relinquish our firm footing; flying requires faith (those who know me – know that!), and commitment. The surprising thing is that, when we really let go, we begin to grow.
Am I in the present?
Every moment we spend regretting the past or worrying about the future is a moment of the present, lost. Yes, we need to complete the past, wind up our unfinished business, and be attentive to trends that portend of future events, but we can take action only in the present. So, that’s where our full attention needs to be, and staying in the present is a full time job.
What do I need to do now?
To act or not to act, that is the question. Put the question differently: is there a NEED for action now? Often, we act because we’re afraid that, if we don’t, things will get worse. The truth is that deliberate inaction is action, and it is often a way to allow a cloudy situation to become clear.
Who’s in control here?
It’s important to be in control of our life. Control can be a big issue for some people, especially if they feel they don’t have it. So, granted, it’s perfectly reasonable to want to feel in control. Letting go of the past, staying in the present, and taking action (including no action) are all ways to develop a sense that we are in control. But, let me suggest that there is a step beyond control. It is to recognize that, ultimately, we, if we are profoundly bought in to the ways of Jesus Christ, are NOT in control-that we are always subject to His control. Paradoxically, this recognition and our acknowledgement of it can free us from the need to always be in control or well ordered by others.
In summary
“Then he told them what they could expect for themselves: “Anyone who intends to come with me has to let me lead. You’re not in the driver’s seat—I am. Don’t run from suffering; embrace it. Follow me and I’ll show you how. Self-help is no help at all. Self-sacrifice is the way, my way, to finding yourself, your true self… Some who have taken their stand right here are going to see it happen, see with their own eyes the kingdom of God.” Luke 9:23-27 The Message
20 notes, quotes, and thoughts
Serenbe. Plywood People. Adventures. A 3 day retreat + 19 other meetings made for a really good week. I took a few notes, jotted down some quotes, and included some random thoughts as I breathed in and out the last six days. I thought you might benefit from them:
- The people who influence you the most are the ones who are most available.
- Stop asking what you’re able to do and start doing what you’re made to do.
- Radical ideas have radical power.
- Don’t be typical. Say “yes” to a bunch of stuff.
- Quit doing something every Thursday.
- When you’re broke what’s a bad day? Being broker?
- We’re more entrepreneurial than ever. In 2009, 558,000 businesses started per month in the US.
- By 2025 there will be an estimated 22 million surplus homes in suburban US.
- The shared economy is the new economy – think Tom’s Shoes, Zip Car, etc.
- COMMUNITY is the value
- A brand isn’t what you say it is. It’s what they say it is.
- Make decisions based on what you believe in, not what you’re afraid of.
- Social entrepreneurs are individuals with innovative solutions to societies most pressing problems.
- Most people don’t have the guts to do what they want to do.
- Influence is gained by doing something.
- Some tensions should be resolved, others need to be lived out.
- What’s one thing we can do this week to make our organization better?
- We will be known by the problems we solve
- Power is toxic with the sin of entitlement
- If you want to know where your idols are follow your emotions.
Indispensable co-dependency
For the past 90 days I’ve been thinking a great deal about excellence and innovation and am puzzled by how many people simply don’t see the indispensable co-dependency between the two.
It seems to me that excellence is about continuous development and/or improvement – the pursuit for operational brilliance, which is driven by optimizing existing processes, products, services, experiences, etc. Innovation leans more towards creating inspiring ideas, revolutionary new products and game changing ways of doing things.
Excellence and innovation need each other to survive in today’s economy. In fact, they become the currency for sustainable growth. If your organization is 100% focused on excellence void of innovation or 100% focused on innovation void of excellence, the result is the same – a slothful demise into a less than remarkable existence – most likely failure on several levels.
It is important for people to make space for both excellence and innovation.
The objective should be to intentionally stimulate mutual lift in each of these two areas on a routine and predictable basis.
Here’s an email I sent to our staff last Friday.
My leadership style…
As I was pondering scripture today I was reminded of something I wrote almost twenty years ago when I was leading an organization of about 350 people.
In 1939, Kurt Lewin and a group of researchers identified three styles of leadership: authoritarian, participative, and delegative.
Authoritarian leaders, considered autocratic, are clear about the what, why, and how… what needs to be done, when it should be done, and how it should be done. There is a well-defined boundary between this type of leader and their followers.
Interestingly, decision-making is usually less creative under authoritarian leadership. Lewin also found that it is more difficult to move from an authoritarian style to a democratic style than vice versa. Abuse of this style of leadership is usually viewed as controlling, dominant, and arrogant.
A participative leader, described as democratic, was generally found to be the most effective leadership style. Participative leaders offer leadership to group members, but they also participate in the group and allow input from other group members. In Lewin’s study, people in this group were slightly less productive than the members of the authoritarian group, but their contributions were of a much higher quality.
Participative leaders inspire group members to contribute, but retain the final say over the decision-making process. Group members feel engaged in the process and are more motivated and creative.
Delegative type leaders, also known as laissez-fair, were the least productive of all three groups. The people in this group made more demands on the leader, showed little cooperation and were unable to work independently.
Delegative leaders offer little or no guidance to group members and leave decision-making up to group members. While this style can be effective in situations where group members are highly qualified in an area of expertise, it often leads to poorly defined roles and a lack of motivation.
Of course, there has been enormously more work on leadership since Lewin, but which of these three types best describe your leadership?
“I can’t tell you how much I long for you to enter this wide-open, spacious life. We didn’t fence you in. The smallness you feel comes from within you. Your lives aren’t small, but you’re living them in a small way. I’m speaking as plainly as I can and with great affection. Open up your lives. Live openly and expansively!” 2 Cor. 6:12 The Message
Participative is my style. I want the people I lead to find their full expression, to dig deep into their souls and give everything they have for the greater good, to be fully alive.
Unless I see the nail holes… I won’t believe it.
“Unless I see the nail holes… I won’t believe it” John 20:25.
On Monday, I sat on the edge of the little ottoman in my office with Dwight and Peggy, a mom and a dad who lost their young daughter, Sarah in a fatal car accident on the mission field. I can’t even begin to grasp the unyielding emotional agony from such a devastating tragedy. I shared their tears… and their mind-blowing hope for scores of young people to risk it all for the sake of the Gospel.
I got to see some nail holes the next day when Dwight and Peggy shared the story with me that Sarah had received her call to missions at an Acquire the Fire, a ministry I helped pioneer. Wow! “So, you believe because you’ve seen with your own eyes.”
Many of us give our lives in thoughtful and all-consuming ways and so often we don’t get to “see” outcomes. “Even better blessings are in store for those who believe without seeing.”
I do what I do, to help others do what they do, so others can do what they do… and in the end God does what only He can do.
God help me to do what I do in way that honors you, others, and the lives of so many who have given it all in response to what you’ve asked them to do.
Now, let’s go do something with our lives.
It’s unreasonable for me…
Big Poppa (me) kissing Ava on her 1st birthday
It’d be really challenging to live on the left coast. I feel like I’m 3 hours behind everyone else. I hate that.
Brad and Jamaica told us they were pregnant using salt and pepper shakers… the same culinary vehicle they used to begin their “relationship” before they were married… and the centerpiece of their wedding décor. Clever.
I’m done wondering and questioning. It’s unreasonable for me to try to decompress… I can attempt that when I’m dead… for now there’s a capacious life to live.
After being in Seattle for 10 days, I’ll have about 48 hours at home and then back on the road again for 12 days.
Talk about a scheduling accomplishment, we discussed, landed on dates, AND committed to go back to Haiti as a family, all 15 of us (including 3 grandbabies), in January 2014. Side note: There may or may not be more family in the form of spouses or children.
For some reason, it’s not a movie I would have picked, but we all went to see (and really liked) We Bought A Zoo while we were in Seattle. Oh wait, I’m still there.
Ava’s first birthday was crazy fun on the 27th with my sister Julie and her husband John, Ann’s sister Ellen and her husband and daughters, and all of the Abare’s except Craig, Kara & Paul who were in NYC.
The next day we had cakes, in the form of pancakes for Brad’s birthday breakfast… his last birthday before being a DADDY!
I love the innocence of Jamaica as she navigates conversations about baby stuff.
Jamie and Mark will be having a baby boy in about 6+/- weeks. Of course Ann will be there. That’s how she rolls.
I can’t wait to see what Team Rock has done to my office. I’m thinking along the lines of Extreme Office Makeover.
I know it sounds patronizing, but I’m proud to co-labor with so many really solid people who do whatever it takes to make missions happen; like Mark, Andi, and Caroline did on Christmas morning; like Ann is doing working on our annual report and a million other year-end tasks; like Seth Jr. and his team are doing prepping for 100+ people who will be attending Searchlight next week; like the World Race team is doing getting ready to launch 150 Racers in less than 2 weeks; like, like, like…
From my friend Alece Ronzino… No resolutions. No list of goals. Just One Word and a commitment to focus on your word all year-long. Let it shape you, guide your decisions, and help you grow. And you’ll discover the big impact one word can make.
My word is engage. My first blog of 2012 will unpack that a little more. What’s your word?
Happy New Year!
Christmas and babies…
Wow, what a Christmas!
We decorated cookies, celebrated Jesus’ birth, played with Ava, created a few memories, did a family outreach at Mary’s Place, played with Ava, looked at lights, opened gifts with Craig, Kara, and Paul via Skype, spent time with extended family, and played with Ava.
But, the climax of Christmas for me was opening the last gift from Brad and Jamaica. It contained a creative and wildly unexpected announcement that they were pregnant! We all burst (maybe erupted is a better word) into tears, cheers, and hugs. It was a very joy-filled, meaning-filled, and unforgettable moment.
So, tomorrow we’ll celebrate Ava’s first birthday with family and extended family, in February Mark & Jamie will have a little boy, and next Christmas we’ll have three grand-babies (at least).
Please pass the Kleenex.
I love making family memories…
Impersonal and cheap… Christmas 2011
Jamaica, Brad, Mark, Jamie (baby), Craig, Kara, Sarah, Luke, Joy, Nancy, Paul, & Ava
Dear family, friends, and others who are considering reading this impersonal, digital Christmas letter in a format that is a cheap departure from the more predictable printed and mailed version,
This letter isn’t meant to be some remarkable, warm and fuzzy, sleigh ride through the past year. It’s my woefully challenged attempt to brag about some of most beautiful people on the planet.
For those of you experiencing “issues” with this temporary change to this digital format (like my daughter Joy) you may want to stop here and seek counseling… it’s just a letter.
Where to start? How about here… it’s 4 AM on Friday December 9th. That kinda says it all. I’ll attempt to be aphoristic…
Ann
This year has been the best of our 36 years together sans Cancun.
Ann ditched most of us in New York on Christmas day last year and flew to Seattle to celebrate the birth of, no not Jesus, but arguably, her new favorite human. Two days later, on Dec. 27th, our first grandbaby, Ava Grace Abare, was born at home. If you know Ann, you know she was super excited to be right in the middle of it all as the doula.
Between the last and the next paragraph we’ve spent 100+ nights in our new south-of-town home. Keep reading.
She flew back to Seattle in November for ten days to be with Ava and Mark and Jamie and Luke and Sarah and Julie and John and Terry and Ellen and Nicole and Lauren and Kelli (all family)… but mostly Ava!
It would be an inadequate understatement to say Ann prayed, served, nursed, loved, helped, and chauffeured me in breathtaking ways for a long period of time this summer. Read on.
Short of saying something like, “If I believed in reincarnation I would absolutely want to come back as Ann’s husband”, how many ways can I say she is beyond my greatest dreams for a wife, mother, and friend to many. I cherish her more than ever. For the record, I do not believe in reincarnation.
Ava
Ava began her mission to drain our bank accounts early on in life. At the young age of nine days, Joy, Paul, and I flew to Seattle to meet our new little love.
Ava didn’t want to be an only child for very long, so voilà, her little brother is in the making, and will be here sometime in February!
For enhanced character development on the Abare tribe read this.
Brad & Jamaica
Jamaica is in her final year of law school. How awesome is that?
She completed her summer internship for Bet Tzedek and now she is currently doing a one-year program for a Juvenile Justice Clinic.
Brad continues to lead a stable existence (no reference to animals intended) as the national communications director for Foursquare, advisor for Barna Group and Adventures, and founder of the Center for Church Communication.
He is quite witty, masterfully organized, and has the spiritual gift of working all the time. He’s also a big brother to more than his five younger siblings. Jamaica is a big sister also.
Craig & Kara
Craig and Kara celebrated their one-year anniversary.
Kara manages one of the top Starbucks in the country. Yes, she’s a superstar.
She was invited to Seattle… designated as a change-leader… in a company that employs a mere 160,000 peeps.
Oh, she’s also on Starbucks CEO, Howard Shultz’ short-list. He’s just “Howie” on her speed dial (do people still have that option).
Craig finished school at FIT in NYC (with a degree).
He was promoted at Crate & Barrel. He’s training to be a manager and on the way to a coveted (isn’t that sinful) and highly anticipated position on their design team. Surprised? I’m not!.
Joy
Joy moved to her dream city in March. Picture this in your mind… Ann, Joy, and me bouncing up and down in the cab of a two-seater, extremely loud, Budget rental truck for 650+ miles…all in one day. Guess who had the most fun?
Joy is now killing it in NYC as a nanny for the ever-adorable Theo; getting to spend a handful of weekends in the Hamptons over the summer and loving her place in another family.
She began leading worship again and is growing a huge heart for her neighborhood of Washington Heights.
Joy is a writer and a quick-on-her-feet, wildly hilarious, comedian. If ever I’m not available to entertain you, call Joy.
Once again, she recently wrote a cool post about the fam here.
Joy’s best friend, Lydia (aka Lyds’) married Caleb. I had the privilege to… a) officiate the wedding, or b) preside over the ceremony. Both sound stuffy, but it’s always an honor to marry people who are willing to do life together… forever!
At the risk of being confronted for using more words on Joy than anyone else, Joy is radiant, compassionate, and is not on e-Harmony. But she would like to meet Mr. Right (think James Franco or John Legend).
Luke & Sarah
Sarah completed her Youth With A Mission Discipleship Training School in Montana and India just in time for Luke to propose to her on a perfect day in Washington.
We now have a certified commercial pilot in the family! Luke graduated from Liberty University with a Bachelor of Science in Aeronautics.
We had our third wedding in eighteen months; Luke, married Sarah in an out-of-doors wedding on a picturesque spring-like fall day.
Luke is currently working at Boeing in Seattle and aspires missionary aviation.
Sarah works too, but I can’t remember the name of the place and remember, it’s 4 am and I cannot ask anyone.
Mark & Jamie
Mark and Jamie celebrated their one-year anniversary.
Jamie is remarkably better with this pregnancy. Oh, boy (pun intended), our second grandbaby! This might be the best part about getting older.
Mark is a uniformed police officer (aka cop) for City of Bellevue or as he refers to it, Billy’s hometown (as in Microsoft’s Bill Gates).
They will be hosting the fam for 12-days of Christmas this year in their suburban, fantasy-land housing development. I’m pretty sure we’ll see a Clark Griswold display somewhere close by.
Paul
Our youngest, Paul, graduated from high school.
When he’s not working at Starbucks or reffing ice-hockey, he’s spending time with his girlfriend, Nancy. You could invert that sentence and it would not change the meaning.
He begins classes in January at CPCC (I don’t want to embarrass him and say community college).
Paul is pursuing… well Nancy, but also a career in law enforcement.
Me
In January I began working with a spirited missions organization, led by one of the most uncontrollably innovative leaders on the planet. It’s a kingdom-size opportunity, co-laboring with hundreds of radicals who courageously seek discipleship and relentlessly mobilize people inter-generationally to change the world.
Looking for more ways to enjoy air travel, I had a total knee replacement this summer as a result of a tennis injury 16 years ago. It ensures a little extra quality time with TSA.
In July, I officiated (there’s that word again) Emily & Joe’s wedding. We’ve known and deeply loved Emily and her family for 28 years. Good times!!
Ann and I became vegans. That just sounds sacrilegious. We don’t eat anything with a mother or a face. That just sounds weird.
Read about it here and here. One word… Epoch. A highlight of my year.
In a strange and highly anticipated act of sacrifice, we attended the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. Despite our newly adopted vegan eatstyle, I still cooked a traditional Thanksgiving feast for everyone else.
That’s a wrap.
If you’ve read this far, I hope you can wrap your mind around the magnificent arrival of the bigger-than-life, little Life we celebrate this Christmas, and that the time you spend with your family and friends will be filled with meaning and memories that will last for generations to come!
Merry Christmas,
Tim and Ann and family
PS – Would you please send this link to people who you think know us, but wouldn’t be so inclined to look here for our annual letter?
PSS – It’s no longer 4 am. I am now at the airport waiting to board a plane for Atlanta.
The wonder of a child…
11 months ago today, we eagerly anticipated Ava’s arrival. She’d finally make her way into the world on December 27, 2010.
This Christmas, we’ll share the wonder of the Christ child’s birth with a renewed sense of manifested awe.
